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Friday, November 12, 2004 | 12:42 PM | by
It is a cruel, cruel world where a man barely has a week to focus on Halo 2 before suddenly his attention will be inevitably and violently split in half, or perhaps not even equal portions, by another much-anticipated game such as Half Life 2. How is one human brain supposed to cope with such an emotional tear, an axe straight down the middle of a single attention span? It's just not bloody natural, I tell you.

I'm sure many of you heard the rumors that some people have already gotten Half Life 2, because certain stores started selling them early. All these people get is a few extra days to stare at the box and whimper in anticipation, because as soon as they try to install the game, it will seek online authentication from Valve, which will essentially "lock" the game until the official release date. So I hereby give you permission, should you happen to come across anyone on a message board somewhere claiming that they were sold an early copy and have been playing for days, to give them a swift, and precise kick to the naughty bits. Multiple times if deemed necessary.

However there is another bit of news I wanted to discuss which isn't quite as trivial as whether or not someone got a game a few days before someone else. It's a tad bit more serious, and pretty fucking irritating.

Marvel Comics, the wonderful label that brought us heroes like The X-men, Spiderman, the Hulk, etc, are now attempting a lawsuit against Cryptic and NCSoft, the two corporations that produced City of Heroes.

Marvel is suing City of Heroes because players make superhero characters that too closely resemble trademarked Marvel properties. So despite the fact that NCSoft has a VERY strict policy about character naming and creation, very clearly PROHIBITING the use of "clone heroes", and they are very adamant about deleting/banning characters that try to rip off existing super heroes, Marvel is going after them anyway, claiming it's their fault.

You know, because it's not at all the fault of the stupid fucking morons that are so devoid of any creative capacities even resembling an imagination that it would be simply incomprehensible for them to come up with an idea of their own. Obviously NCSoft should be held accountable as a babysitter for all of the masses that have quite simply forgotten how to be original after years of having their thoughts and opinions spoon-fed to them by MTV. So rock on "Spyders-man" and "The Huulk", because I'm sure that everyone loves your cheap imitation of our beloved cultural icons, and I for one particularly love the thought that you may actually be too stupid to figure out how to breed, thus saving the rest of us from future generations of your heavily chlorine-dosed gene pool.

Hey, a man can dream, can't he?

PS: I also think those people eat monkey poo.